Dirty Jokes

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"


First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."




A nude guy was sunbathing at the beach.

A little girl comes up to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, "What's under there?"

So the man answers, "A bird."

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"

The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to he beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird.

After a while, it spat at me, so I broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!"




There was this husband and wife who were celebrating their honeymoon on the 6th floor of this nice hotel room. They had this ritual that they always used their yellow lucky condom. So after they got done having wild sex, it was very hot in the room so the husband went over to the window to open it and get some fresh air in the room. As he did, his condom fell off of his dick. The wife freaked out and yelled for her husband to run downstairs and look outside on the ground for it! So he does and can't find it anywhere, soon enough he sees this little boy holding it and he runs over to him and says " Little boy, little boy I need that back from you, it is mine!" The little boy says, " I found it, what am I going to get for it?" The man says, "I'll give you a dollar!" The little boy says, "No way!!!" So the man offers the little boy 5 dollars and the little boy was VERY happy. The little boy runs all the way home and tells his mom he played THE greatest joke on this guy today. His mother asked him what he did and the little boy says " Well, I sold this guy a twinkie for $5.00!!" The mom didn't understand the trick part of it, so she asked her son what else he did. The little boy replied " Well mom, before I gave it back to him, I licked all the cream out of it first!!!"




Yo moma is like a vacume cleaner she sucks she blows and she gets laid in a closet




There was once these three boys walking home from school!!! on the way they herd this music comin from the barn alittle bit ahead of them !!! the forst boy looked through a hole in the barn ran in side all happy, the second boy looked through the hole ran inside happy!!! but when the third little boy looked through to hole he ran all the way home!!! the next day at school the two boys came up to the other boy and said "" why'd you run away!!?!!"" and the litle boy told them "" my mommy told me that if i ever sawa naked lady i would turn to stone........ and i felt something get hard!!!!




What does Britney Spears and Barbie have in common?

They're Both BLONDE, BRAINLESS, N...PLASTIC!




What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?

They both come with plastic jugs!




What did one old saggy boob say to the other old saggy boob?

We better get some support or soon people will think we are nuts!




Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.

Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realized that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.

"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them".




These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"




Sperm One: "When are we going to get to the egg allready?"

Sperm Two: "Shut up and stop complaining. We havn't even gotten
past the tonsils yet."




Q: what do you say if you see your sister walking down the street with a punk and a funky hair do

AN: keep humping the bastard




A man ask a hooker, how much. the hooker says- $10 if we do it in the bathroom and $50 if we do it on the bed. the manthinks for a few seconds and then he says -here's is fifty dollars. the hooker says - you must be fuckin rich. the man says-what do mean i'm rich, I want five rounds in the bathroom.




A little boy was sitting in his room one night and he could hear this rely loud banging coming from his parents bedroom. The next day he walked into their bedroom and saw his mum bouncing up and down on top of his dad. he then asked ' mummy why are you bouncing on top of daddy and making all that thumpin sound.' his mum repleid ' its because your dad is so fat that by bouncing on top of him, it makes him thin. the boy then repleied and said ' well that doesn't work, cause once you leave, the woman comes round from next door and blows him right back up again!'




Two skinny guys and a fat guy walk into this castle. The fat guy is always eating so the first thing he does is go to the kitchen. Well other two guys follow him and see him scarfing all the food. The first skinny guy says to the other skinny guy, I want some food lets throw the fat guy out the window. The second guy agrees and they throw the fat guy out the window and into the moat. The two skinny guys started eating and then notice this hot chick at the other end of the table. The first skinny guy goes let f*ck the chick. The second skinny guy agrees. They run over to the chick and tear her clothes off but they find a scab on her pussy. The first skinny guy rips it off and throws it out the window, then he goes back to screwing the chick. Later they two skinny guys decide its time to leave so the grab some food for the fat guy and go outside. The first skinny guy yells hey fat guy we brought you some food. The fat guy replies no thanks I ate that steak you guys threw out the window earlier.



(Daughter )I need three hundred dollars for a prom dress dad.
(Dad ) Well give daddy a blojob and i'll give you the three hundred dollars.
(Daughter ) but Dad.
(Dad ) No honey if you need 300 dollars for a dress you going have to suck daddy's dick.
(Daughter ) Well ok daddy.
As the daughter begins to blo her daddy she suddnely pullers her head away from his dick and says" O Dad your dick taste just like shit !
(Dad ) Yea baby I know your brother needed one hundred dollars to rent a tux.